A Horrible Night For A Curse

In case you people don't know, I play the occasional video game and indulge in a vampire movie once in a while. So, naturally, Castlevania is a game that is very dear to me. As far back as I can remember, I've been a fan of the franchise, and still am. They've put out some really great games over the last ten years, and while their newer games are a blast, nothing beats the pre-Symphony of the Night titles. On top of being great games, they are worth playing for the music alone. Its definitely my favorite game soundtrack. Watch this and tell me I'm wrong: http://youtube.com/watch?v=zRyEb_FDUNE

That being said, this past Friday, while sitting at work with no plans for the night, I decided to stage a little experiment. With the roommates out the house for a little while, I planned on planting myself on the couch and playing as much Castlevania as my psyche could handle. I want make it throughor up at least up to SOTN for PS1. That means parts 1-3 for the NES, part 4 and Dracula X for the SNES, and Bloodlines for Genesis. Six games in twelve hours, I can do this. I drew up a little plan, bought some supplies, turned on the goods and went to town.

GAME START- 8:45 PM

Obviously, the first to be played was the original. This is one of my favorite games of all time. It was once a game that I could steam roll through, usually taking around 20-30 minutes to finish, making it a good game to warm up with. Its been a while since I played the game, but I get through the first two levels with ease and I'm feeling pretty confident. Then the rust settles. Took a little longer than normal to finish the next two levels, which is okay as I'm making okay time. I'm doing okay until I make it to the boss of the next level, Death, and realize that this might take a bit longer than I thought it would. After what seems like an eternity, I finish off Death and move on to the final level and Dracula, who wasn't as much as a push over as I had remembered. But after a long, grueling two and a half hours, I come out on top and put this game behind me.

GAME FINISH-11:15 PM

GAME START-11:30 PM

This game was a push over, which got my hopes back up. The only problem being that it takes at least an hour and a half to finish the game, meaning that I didn't finish until 1:00 AM. I kinda just sat down and powered through it with no problems, except that I didn't get the best ending. Fuck you Dracula.
GAME FINISH-1:00AM

GAME START-1:15

This was the wild card in my quest. I hadn't played it in at least ten years, maybe more. I remember playing through the whole game in a reasonable time. There's a couple different paths you can take to complete it, some easy, some hard, some down right impossible. My problem came up when I realized that I didn't know what way to travel, and luck being on my side, I took the longest and hardest way to get there. Two hours into it, I was lucky to be half way there. Throw in Brendan coming home three sheets to the wind and ramblin about god knows what, this game quit the test of my patience. Brendan goes to bed around 3:30, and I try to concentrate on a certain level that I have been on for about 2 hours now. I get through and start making some progress and reach the big Drac himself around 4 am. I hear some stiring upstairs and someone coming down to use the bathroom. I'm used to a drunk Brendan wandering around in a towel or a bathrobe at this time of night, but this is the first time I saw the full monty. He goes in and out, I continue to fight Dracula. Two hours. Two fucking hours it takes me to beat this fucking guy! At that point I could have gone on, but I could feel myself getting delirious after looking at thes games for so long, so I packed it in.

Fuck this guy

FINISH TIME-6:00 AM

Epilogue

While I did finish the first three games, I did not accomplish my goal of six. I was extremely dissapointed, and I blame part three. That really took the wind out of my sails. Six fucking hours to beat a Nintendo game? Get the fuck outof here. So, in the end, I deem this a

FAILURE.

Hollywoods Greatest Miscastings

There's only one thing better than when film producers perfectly cast a movie, and that one thing is when they cast them horribly wrong.

This week I'm gonna dive into 'Predator 2'. Now, don't get me wrong here, I love the movie. I love everything about it. Great concept, decent effects for the time, and the fucking Predator. Whats not to love? The best part of it, though, is that it stars Danny Glover, Gary Busey, Bill Paxton, and Maria Conchita Alonso.

Seriously, your trying to tell me that an alien that comes to Earth to hunt humans(which are the equivilant of deer to him), is gonna be stopped by Danny Glover? I mean, Detective Roger Murtaugh can be a bad motherfucker at times, but we're talking about an alien that, after killing off a whole platoon of Army Rangers, gave Dutch a run for his money before re-modeling the rain forest with a two mile wide crater. A monster, that after tearing through a gang of voodoos, Bill Paxton, and Gary Busey, Danny Fucking Glover is the guy that takes him out? I love it.

I can just picture Joel Silver marching into the Fox offices with this pitch:

: Remember that movie that had an alien fucking up The Terminator, Apollo Creed, and Captain Freedom?













: I'm listening.

: Well, lets move the setting to L.A. And instead of Arnold, we cast, get this..

: ?

: DANNY F'ING GLOVER

:We'll make millions. We start tomorrow.

Thats really how it happened.

Great Moments in American Film According to Me

What makes a great action movie? Some say over the top effects, stunts, explosions, high body count, gun fights, maybe even badass characters. While I do agree that a good one should have those elements, I think that one thing a great action movie needs is a rediculous premise and lack of substantial plot development, ultimately making more room for all of the above.

Thats why when asked, "What is the quintessential action movie?" I think of some of the best: Rambo, Die Hard, Over the Top, Robocop, Cobra, Lethal Weapon. While all great movies and worthy of the title, I always go with Commando. Its got everything all the essentials listed above and more. First off, Arnold kills over 80 people himself. Second, that happens in a span of 9 minutes. But one of my favorite asspects of the movie is the over-developed characters thrown into an under-developed story. Whenever you see any of the enemies, or even Matrix's general, you have a feeling that you should know everything about their character, but for some reason they never invovled it in the script.

My favorite of the bunch is Sully. Now Sully is your typical, womanizing scumbag. He can't go five minutes without thinking about "slash", as he calls it, which brings me to the moment in which we are here for.

After escorting Matrix to a plane and making sure it took off with him on it, Sully heads toward the exit of the airport. On the way out he notices a hot little number in a stewardess outfit, played by Rae Dawn Chong, on a pay phone. After creepily listening to her conversation, he suggests going out with him, which she turns down and then heads for the door. He follows her to her car and proceeds to spit out the creepiest opener to a conversation I have ever heard:

Sully: You know i've got something I'd really like to give you.
Cindy: I'm not interested!
Sully: Ahh, you don't know what you're missing
Cindy: Well from here it looks like a nightmare, will you please leave me alone!

Looking defeated and confused as to why she wouldn't be interested in whatever it is he wanted to "give her", he has one last thing to say.

Sully: You fucking whore.

Fucking hilarious. Unless you're Matt Kay, why would you do that? Seriously. Now remember, he had just met her moments ago, and doesn't even know her name, let alone what she does outside of the airport. Amazing.

And once again, I have lucked out and found video accompaniment, enjoy!

The Moustache Makes The Man Part 2 of 2

Well, this is the rest of them. There aren't as many as the first installment, but they're just as good. And like I mentioned before, this isn't about the best moustache, its about the man behind it.

Randy Johnson & Ned Flanders

Lets kill two birds with one stone.

When you're nearly 7 feet tall and ugly as sin, you might as well cover it with a moustache. And he has a pretty mean fastball. As for Ned, his wife died for christ's sake.

Billy Dee Williams

Wether he's entertaining a few ladie friends or blowing up the Death Star, it works everytime.

Larry Csonka

Hulk Hogan is trying to fill this guys shoes? Good luck buddy.

Jack Dalton
America's favorite cab driver/pilot. MacGyver's right hand man. Got him through a lot of sticky situations.

King Diamond

Moustache, take a look. What do you think of the house and the silvery moon? We are going to repaint the front door soon.

Chewie
"Keep your distance, Chewie, but don't look like you're keeping your distance. I don't know – grow a moustache."

Robert Goulet

Goulet.

And I end this with three men that I really can't find words to express how awesome they really are.

Frank Zappa

Cliff Burton

Freddie Mercury

Great Moments in Amercan Film According To Me

"Lone Wolf McQuade" is by far my favorite Chuck movie. I'm not gonna get into the "Chuck Norris Mythology" here. Quite frankly, its old. But, what I will get into is how awesome he is in this movie.

Chuck portrays J.J. McQuade, a Texas ranger who plays by his own rules, a lone wolf. He also drives a Bronco that takes a pretty good beating and can pretty much drive through anything. His antagonist is Rawley Wilkes, played by David Carradine, who is the local crime lord. They both are in love with the same woman and Rawley will do whatever it takes to get rid of McQuade. He also kidnaps J.J.'s daughter.

Upon finding out that Wilkes has acquired automatic weapons, McQuade takes it upon himself to take out the vile villain once and for all. And thats when my favorite part of the movie takes place.

After a lengthy gun battle in which McQuade drives into the armed base of Mr. Wilkes, his new partner helplessy watches as J.J. and his truck are buried underneath about two tons of dirt. Rawley walks away laughing, finally ridding himself of this troublesome ranger...or so he thinks.

Cut to J.J., beaten but not down, sitting up in the drivers seat. Any other man would have given up and accepted their eventual, slow death. Not McQuade. In a way of saying "Fuck you Rawley!", he cracks a fucking beer, pours a little over his face, and takes a sip. Ohh, but hes not done yet. After a near death that most men dream about, he fucking drives through the fucking dirt! And afterwards has just enough strength to get one last shotgun round off before falling to the ground. His sidekick does his best to revive him, to which J.J. rolls over, opens his eyes, and whith a smile, asks for a beer.

The Moustache Makes the Man Part 1 of 2

Truer words have never been said. Its the measure of a man. It takes a real man to walk around this cruel world with just a moustache and be able to look another person in the eyes without fear of ridicule. The following are some the best moustaches of our time. These men have held their heads high, through good times and bad, World Series losses and dinosaurs running off with their girlfriend. These men are the very definition of the word.

Movies & TV

Dell Griffin

Shower ring salesman extroidinaire. The real article. What you see is what you get.

Mr. Belvedere
Stains on the counter never mattered before my ass. That hairy upper lip is all business.

Earl Hickey

You thought Jason Lee was funny before? Try watching him with a moustache. I just recently watched this show, and its fucking hilarious.

The Bandit

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin', we're gonna do what they say can't be done. Like grow a moustache like that.

Magnum
There's only one thing Magnum loved more than his car and the Detroit Tigers, and that was introducing the ladies to his french tickler.

The Collective Cast of Tombstone
Kurt Russell, Sam Elliott, Val Kilmer, Bill Paxton, Michael Biehn, Powers Boothe, and Jason Priestly. All in their natural, god given moustaches. Fuck.


VIDEO GAMES

Von Kaiser
Only a moustache like that can get away with wearing a pink robe.

Mario Mario and Luigi Mario

The original video game stache. Set the standard for plumbers everywhere.

Solid Snake
As if he wasn't bad ass enough, the addition of a hairy catepillar is the natural evolution of the character.

SPORTS

Sgt. Slaughter
Real American Hero.

On a side note, the name on his credit card is Sgt. Slaughter.

Hogan
What else do you think gave him the power to lift Andre over his head?

The Bird

Short shorts and a moustache, whats not to love ladies?

Wilt Chamberlain
There he is, celebrating his record breaking 100th moustache ride in one night.

The Eck
He may have let up one of the best home runs in baseball history, but he still has a better mush than that gimpy son of a bitch.

Rollie Fingers

Don Mattingly & Wade Boggs
Here they are, in all their splendor. The best moustachioed players in the game. One is married to Kim Sexton and the other is married to sex. Both have been on the Simpsons and Wade has made an appearence on Cheers. Seriously, they can do know wrong.

Games That I Used to Think Were Awesome But Have Come to Realize That They Are Not

First up, Boogerman. It had everything a 12 year old needed: a guy in a superhero costume that burped, farted, and flicked boogers at his enemies. It was a game I would rent on a weekly basis, needless to say, I loved it. So, I decided to see if it holds up to my pre-teen memories.

It doesn't. Its pretty fucking bad. What makes it worse, is that it was made by Interplay, who made some great games back then. I'm not even gonna get into reasons, its not worth it. The game just sucks.

Awesome Moments in Awesome Video Games' Awesome History part 1: EARTHWORM JIM 2

Remember "Earthworm Jim"? I do, very fondly actually. I was a big fan back in the day. There were many things to love about the games. First off, you play as a talking worm with eyes. Second, you play as a talking worm with eyes stuck in a robotic muscle suit. Third, you play as a talking worm with eyes stuck in a robotic muscle suit that fights a talking crow in a robotic fat suit. Whats not to love?

One of my favorite moments of Earthworm Jim takes place in the second game, in a level called:

In the "Villi People" stage, you play as a talking worm with eyes stuck in a robotic muscle suit wearing a blind cave salamander suit. While in this suit you are floating through villi-filled intestines that make up the walls of your enemies summer home. Need I explain more? Yes. This summer home also has pinball bumpers to help you along, or hinder your progress if they happen to bounce you into the life sucking villi.

AND WATCH OUT FOR THE FLOATING SHEEP, THEY EXPLODE

And just when you think this level can't get any better, you get this:

Thats right, instead of a boss, Earthworm Jim in a Blind Cave Salamander suit stars in a game show. It doesn't get much better than that kids.

So there it is, part 1 of a series I intend to keep going for a long time. I might even do a full feature on EWJ 2 once I finish it.

Dr. Mario and Last Battle

The Rockies are in the World Series and the Sox can't beat the fucking Indians. I think that speaks for itself, so onto better things.

Shippa and myself re-discovered Dr. Mario recently. Played almost all weekend, including a five hour block of it on Saturday. Its pretty much taken over Kevin's life. Brendan eventually got in on it, and although we aint that bad at it, Brendan's been tearing us apart. He's basically gone undefeated since Saturday. Fuck him. But, while not playing, Kevin's been dreaming about little colored pills and I've been playing Last Battle.....


Last Battle is a game I used to play when I was younger, probably around 7 or 8 years old. A friend of mine owned it, so I didn't play it too often, hence I didn't remember too much from it. I've been trying to track it down for the last couple of years, and the only thing I could remember from it was that the main character's shirt would mysticly tear away whenever he powered up and upon dying, he would fall to his knees. That being my only knowledge of the game, it basiclly rendered my search to the likes of Al Bundy looking for "his song". I really had no fucking clue what the name of the game was. Or even if I liked it or not. I had pretty given up on the search. Then Jiffy came into my life. He gave me a Dreamcast disc full of Sega Genesis games, and my search was reborn. After a few days of looking through various titles, I finally came across:And I wish I hadn't. Goddamnit this game sucks. Between the migraine inducing story and the horrendous gameplay, it's easily one of the worst gamesI have ever played. And its impossible to get through the first level. Yet, I play it every chance I get. Just to spite it I guess.

After a couple of weeks of putting myself through the torture of playing this game, I did a little research to find some cheats or anything that would get me through the first level. I found nothing helpful, but did come across some interesting facts.

Its a port of "Fist of the Northstar", which is a pretty awesome and popular anime and manga over in Japan and is a great candidate for a video game, but got lost in translation over here and became the peice of shit I've been obsessed with over the last month or two. Then I find out that they got rid of the blood, which at least made it a little interesting. And since the license for the franchise was never obtained, the story and names were changed, but thats no excuse for the dialogue that was written. All in all, the game is a piece of shit, with no redeeming value whatsoever, but for some god awful reason, I will keep playing it.

I'll leave you with some quality screenshots for your enjoyment:

In Japan their head would explode with every punch.
Here, not so much.



Rooms full of mysterious flying axes? Why not?


That's the only dialogue between the two of them. And its only the first of the game.


Even the box art sucked.